If we’re talking bodies

Women have sexual desires, it’s true. We’re not passive disinterested objects that sex happens to; we’re active participants with our own wants and needs. I think this aspect of the sexual revolution (in its various on-going phases) served women well. Affirming women’s experience of their sexuality allowed for greater equality in relationships and for us to be able to communicate our desires and expectations. In many ways women have been freed to live more authentically and richly as we explore our place in the world. This is a good thing. But there are also aspects of the sexual revolution that wear a mask of freedom and progress and yet have continued to keep women enslaved. I’m focusing on two lies that I think have crept into our feminism:

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Your body as a thing

A destructive dichotomy has become increasingly pronounced in pop culture in recent years. This is the idea that our bodies are a tool that we use like any other resource to get the things we want. It’s not a philosophy of seeing our bodies and spirits as being intertwined, but our bodies being for utility and disconnected from our emotional experience. Here’s a couple of song examples.

Lady Gaga and Christian Aguilera put out a song in 2013 called “Do What U Want”

Chorus

You can’t have my heart
And you won’t use my mind but
Do what you want with my body
(Do what you want) with my body
You can’t stop my voice cause
You don’t own my life but
Do what you want with my body
(Do what you want) with my body

[Bridge: Lady Gaga & Christina Aguilera]
Sometimes I’m scared I suppose
If you ever let me go
I would fall apart
If you break my heart
So just take my body
And don’t stop the party

Tove Lo, an artist that I think is putting out particularly unhelpful music, has a current radio hit called “Talking Body.”

Chorus

Now if we’re talking body
You got a perfect one
So put it on me
Swear it won’t take you long
If you love me right
[Clean:] We love for life
On and on and on

Love, give me love
Anything you want I’ll give it up
Lips, lips I kiss
Bite me while I taste your fingertips

Bodies!
Our baby making bodies we just use for fun
Bodies!
Let’s use them up ’til every little piece is gone
(Let’s go)
On and on and on
(Let’s go)
On and on

I HATE these songs and others like them. They masquerade as sexual power and control while actually making women dehumanized objects. To put it bluntly, I think they’re contributing to rape culture. The message to men is that women’s bodies exist for pleasure and that what happens to our bodies doesn’t affect us. Being disembodied is not power, it’s numbness. Feeling nothing may feel like control but it comes at the cost of fully experiencing ourselves and the world around us. It’s also not authentic choice. If we have to shut down part of ourselves in order to feel comfortable, then we’re actually living out of fear of pain and vulnerability. That’s not having control, it’s being controlled.

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Here’s what may be an uncomfortable biblical reality. The popular phrase, “It’s my body, I can do what I want with it” isn’t accurate. 1 Cor. 6:12-20 gives us a thorough treatise on God’s view of sexuality, and 18-20 tell us why:

18 Flee from sexual immorality. All other sins a person commits are outside the body, but whoever sins sexually, sins against their own body. 19 Do you not know that your bodies are temples of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; 20 you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your bodies.

Nothing in the world belongs to us, everything is God’s creation and belongs to him. “Everything” includes our bodies. Our bodies are not empty shells, we were created to be deeply complex beings. Whatever happens to one part of us happens to our whole selves. The good news is that God made us for flourishing and to experience the fullness of life. God’s ownership of our bodies is not for exploitation and oppression, but for freedom and thriving. Seeing ourselves as God’s may feel like a lack of power and control, but it’s an invitation to live in true fullness and authenticity, without fear and without shame.

Anti-Slut Shaming

Don’t get me wrong, there are lots of good things about this movement. It’s helped combat victim blaming in cases of sexual assault, and pointed out unfair double standards in our culture. It’s been very unhelpful when it requires nothing different from men. Many manifestations of this movement have resulted in celebrating female promiscuity. (The podcast “Guys We’ve F%&@ed” for example.) Again, it’s fine to affirm that women are active participants in sexual activity. But first of all, “equality” doesn’t mean being able to do the same harmful thing back to your oppressor. Men indiscriminately sleeping around and using women was never a good thing for the flourishing of society. Why then would it be helpful for women to do so? Employing the same destructive patterns isn’t power, it’s being defined by your oppression. It’s claiming that we should be able to do everything men do without freely examining whether the things they have done are actually good and desirable.

Secondly, if I’m a guy who already objectifies women, then women being promiscuous is great for me. It allows me to continue hooking up with whomever, whenever, and never needing to view them as individuals worthy of my respect. It’s women functionally saying to those men, “You treat us like pieces of meat but it’s ok because we like it now.” I think actual progress would involve men growing and changing in the ways they view and treat women. Equality isn’t just about actions but also perspectives. Both men and women seeing each other as possessing inherent dignity and worth. Both of us acting in ways to build each other up in the world, not to use each other for our own gratification.

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Finally, sometimes we should feel negative emotions about experiences that were unhealthy for us. The somewhat extreme but prevalent message is that women should never feel badly about their consensual sexual experiences. It’s your body and your choices, so don’t regret or feel ashamed about anything. But what about when we made a bad decision and our hearts instinctively know that our behavior resulted in a negative impact on us? Our spirits and bodies are deeply entwined and our mind knows when something happened to our bodies that felt off. Most women already struggle to honestly name and express their emotions. Telling women to never feel badly about anything is another form of numbing and silencing. We would be better served by encouraging each other to listen to our instincts and comfort levels and not be afraid to walk away from a situation or to refuse to repeat a behavior we didn’t like. Freedom isn’t blanketly calling everything we do good, but learning more about ourselves and the way we want to be in the world.

In all of this, my hope is for both men and women to understand their profound God-given value. Let’s not act blindly out of what we’ve always seen around us, but imagine a new and better way of being together. Reflect on the messages you receive about how you’re expected to act. Start dreaming about what else might be possible for you and the people around you. There’s more for you than this.

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Ivan’s Top Ten Movies of 2015

Well 2015 is in the past and I do feel like it was a good year for movies. It was at least the most financially successful year to date with a combined box office haul of over $11 billion. So here are my top ten movies of the year. The ones that I enjoyed the most, was affected by the most, or I thought were most important. But first, to ease your mind, here are the movies we didn’t get to see this year.

We Didnt See 2015

10. Me and Earl and the Dying Girl

When tragedy strikes, people create mechanisms in their lives to make sense of it all. Me and Earl and the Dying Girl created an authentic and entertaining voice to this meaning-making process of struggle and grief. The characters were likable but flawed, they were relatable but unique. Overall, it was a fun and cathartic movie as the audience tries to make sense of the world through the lens of these somewhat bratty, creative, loveable emerging adults.

Dope

Dope (2015)

9. Dope

We all have categories or boxes that people put us into and we all put others into categories and boxes. It’s what we do as people. What I love about Dope is that it deals with characters that are wildly complex. I am a huge fan of writer, director, producer Rick Famuyiwa and, especially, one his earlier works, The Wood. Famuyiwa brought a similar tone and authenticity to Dope while asking questions about his characters and the world they live in that perhaps we should all be asking. And not just asking them of ourselves, but also in how we view others. I will say, even as I write this, I stand conflicted about this movie because there are a few sexually explicit and potentially exploitative scenes in the film. Hopefully, in a few years you can catch an edited for TV version of Dope so you can get the thematic weight without the, perhaps, unnecessary raunch.

8. Ex Machina

Where Dope asks questions of what does it mean to be categorized and stereotyped, Ex Machina asks what does it mean to be human all together. This movie is gripping and intense. As the tension builds, and as I wrestled with these larger questions of existence, I felt my heart beating and pulse pounding as if the film was trying to tell me that I was indeed alive. You can read more about Ex Machina in my review here: Artificial Intelligence and Isolation through the Looking Glass 

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7. Inside Out

Emotions can be scary. They can be misleading, they can drive us to tears, some of us feel like they have complete control over us. It’s intimidating and humbling. Then Pixar sprinkled their magic on emotions and makes them personable and fun. What I love most about Inside Out is that it teaches us that our emotions are ok and they are part of what makes us human. A lesson children desperately need to learn…and adults too. Go deeper into Inside Out with my review here: From the Inside Out

6. The End of the Tour

I wish The End of the Tour was getting more awards attention. This film almost convinced me to read David Foster Wallace’s 1000+ page master work, Infinite Jest. That is saying something as I am rarely ever compelled to read anything. Not only that, Jason Segal’s portrayal of the author had me attentively fixed on him during the entire movie waiting for what he would say next, hoping that answers to life’s bigger questions would come. If Segal’s take on Wallace was at all correct, than he was an absolute genius tormented by an internal war between what he knows about the world and a desire to not act like he knows everything. It left me feeling like in Wallace, who was gripped by depression, we lost a potentially great truth teller that our world could definitely use. Here was his take in the late 1990’s on the growing porn industry:

“You’re having a fantasy relationship with somebody who is not real… strictly to stimulate a neurological response. So as the Internet grows in the next 10, 15 years… and virtual reality pornography becomes a reality, we’re gonna have to develop some real machinery inside our guts… to turn off pure, unalloyed pleasure. Or, I don’t know about you, I’m gonna have to leave the planet. ‘Cause the technology is just gonna get better and better. And it’s gonna get easier and easier… and more and more convenient and more and more pleasurable… to sit alone with images on a screen… given to us by people who do not love us but want our money. And that’s fine in low doses, but if it’s the basic main staple of your diet, you’re gonna die.”

5. Steve Jobs

A lot has been said and documented about the life and business of Steve Jobs, but this film chose to limit our interactions with him to three intense, impactful moments in his career. This was a choice that I loved and as Michael Fassbender’s performance carries you through the film, I felt like we got a new, creative, and interesting take on a man many of us feel like we already know because we have his life’s work buzzing around in our pockets and purses.

4. Creed

I still can’t believe how much I loved Creed. I can’t believe how smart, sensitive, and engaging a film in the Rocky series can be after the pitfalls of the latter installments. I can’t believe writer, director Ryan Coogler is 29 years old. I can’t believe this young man went to Sylvester Stallone and pitched the idea for this movie, got it made, and inspired one of Stallone’s best performances in years. It’s all hard to believe but when that familiar Rocky score hits and his beautiful film is built up to it’s climax, you will believe.

THE BIG SHORT

The Big Short (2015)

3. The Big Short

Talladega Nights: The Ballad of Ricky Bobby came out when I was in college and like any young, college male I found it hilarious. Oh to be young again. So when I heard it’s writer and director was making a film about the economic crash of 2008, I did what Adam McKay had trained me to do at his work…laugh. Then I watched the movie and I laughed and cried and got angry and lamented. The Big Short is deceptively brilliant because McKay approached the film humbly out his own ignorance of the topic and desire to help anyone understand what happened. Match that humility with career performances from Steve Carell and Christian Bale and you get a huge payoff.

2. Star Wars: The Force Awakens

Star Wars is back, people! Weeks after I’ve seen the movie it still dominates my thoughts and conversations. I loved The Force Awakens so much but I will reserve the number one spot and a high grade for the movie because I believe and hope that there is still room to grow in this new trilogy. So I expect to love the next installments even more and I won’t let my fanboy emotions eclipse my number one movie that may have affected me on a different level. The Force Awakens is my favorite movie of the year, but that didn’t necessarily mean it was the best movie of the year. Read my spoilery thoughts on my favorite new character and the hope I have for the galaxy here: Star Wars: A Rey of Hope 

Mark Ruffalo

Mark Ruffalo totally retweeted me. Not why I put Spotlight at #1.

1. Spotlight

On our honeymoon, Heather and I, looking to relax for a couple hours after walking around Portland, ME’s hills and bay front, walked into a theater and watched Ryan Coogler’s Fruitvale Station. I left the theater less than relaxed. I was physically, emotionally, and spiritually wrecked by that movie and this year that same feeling happened again as I watched Spotlight. The film is about the journalists that investigated and brought to light the Catholic priest child molestation scandal of the early 2000’s. As I watched this very tense film, filled with great performances, I felt the weight of an entire city all questioning their faith at once. It was convicting, haunting, and authentic. I left the theater weighed down by the sin of men I didn’t know, but ultimately lifted up by a force that isn’t afraid to bring such darkness into the light.

Here are our combined 2015 Top Ten Lists! Find Heather’s here!

Our Top Tens 2015

Heather’s Top 10 Films of 2015

In compiling my list I observed that this year I have most gravitated to films that generated creative and original content. My priorities were an interesting composition and a message that contributes to the cultural conversation in helpful and provocative ways.

1. The Big ShortThis is my #1 pick because I think it is the most creative film of the year and unpacks a complex topic in an extremely engaging way. I loved the characters and I went with them on the emotional rollercoaster that was the financial boom and crisis. The device of using pop culture icons to explain the most confusing elements was a brilliant way to raise a mirror up to American culture and reveal what holds our attention most often.

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2. Creed – A close contender for #1, beautifully written, acted, and directed. Coogler expertly paid homage to the original Rocky while taking the franchise in a fresh direction that was poignant and inspiring. I particularly appreciated the way women were portrayed in the film which was respectful and honoring.

3. Spotlight – Well made, terrific performances, handled a very difficult topic with sensitivity as well as scrutiny. It made me thankful for Pope Francis and the rebuilding of shattered communities.

The Walk

4. The Walk – I LOVE this story, and the film comes at a time when our iconic public spaces are marked by more fear than enjoyment. Philippe Petit in his zany French artistry invites us to reimagine our monuments and common life to see beauty and whimsy that is unfettered by fear. Visually stunning, historically accurate, we “dance at the top of the world” together.

5. The End of the Tour – Both Segel and Eisenberg deliver vulnerable and unaffected performances. They help us explore the person of David Foster Wallace but also our fears of rejection and inauthenticity, and questions of what it means to create and connect in the 21st century.

6. Inside Out – Wonderfully inventive and insightful, Pixar gives us some great original content to help children and adults navigate the complexities of our world. And Bing-Bong made me cry.

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7. The Visit – I’m a little biased because I love M. Night Shyamalan and I’m always rooting for him to succeed. In this film I think he’s returning to what he does best: using suspense and horror to reveal our deeper fears and unsympathetic hearts. The Visit taps into childhood fears as well as our societal anxieties over growing old and of the elderly as reminders of our eventual deterioration. (Disclaimer: this film contains several scenes of suspense and multiple scenes of violence.)

8. Steve Jobs – Using creative plot devices to explore Jobs’ relationship to the things he has made, we eavesdrop on 3 pivotal moments in his life. With Steve we explore identity and how we are shaped by what we do.

9. Straight Outta Compton – The strength of this film is the story itself. NWA brought the conversation of race in America to the cultural mainstream in a way that is still relevant. It’s not the best made film of the year and contains some degrading treatment of women, but the success of the movie reveals a nerve that we need to continue engaging.

Brooklyn

10. Brooklyn – While it’s not a particularly original story, it’s beautifully acted and comes at a time when America and the world are struggling to make decisions about immigrants and their place in our societies. Brooklyn aroused empathy for how difficult it is to leave everything you’ve known behind and become a stranger in a strange land. Timely and important for us to consider America’s immigrant history and what it looks like today.

Honorable Mentions

What We do in the Shadows – A little bloody, but overall hysterical and perfectly acted in the mock-umentary style

Me Earl and the Dying Girl – Thoughtful, funny, a heartfelt look at youth and mortality. Filmed in Pittsburgh, so it must be good!

Tomorrowland – In the fear and doom over climate change, a call for optimism to focus on solutions rather than problems.

See Ivan’s Top 10 list, we chose only 5 of the same films

Our Top Tens 2015